Into the fire again

Alot of things have changed and happened lately, I been busy quite a bit lately.

I opened up my website http://botany-eh.ca

It's pretty much a legal high site that I'll be promoting it and working with it for additional income. I'm going to try my best to explore the spiritual aspect of various substances, like any tool herbs can be used for bad or good things.

I been enduring more then ever before, it's intense, but I'm going to have to take on more suffering to get where I would like to be.

I never reached my limit after getting out of the hospital, never lost it in years, so I need to keep an eye on stress levels.

I'm starting to feel a bit isolated, I work all day and don't do much socializing, but I think I need the alone time more then ever. My symptoms seem to be subsiding and fading away, I'm kinda sad in a way because I felt so important with the symptoms, I felt that there was more purpose to my life then what meets the eyes.

Now I need to overcome a depression of sorts, get out of the lazy way of life, I need to wake up early, dedicate my attention to tasks that need to be completed. Organize my life and I'll be all set, I need to create a system to manage it.

So as much of a burden current events are on me lately, I must continue to walk through this painful fire, It's going to wear me down, but if done right I can save a few years of life in the long run and control my stress levels.

Right now im in a new city, 300-400 km away from my home town, first time out very long, its been almost 8 years now. Moneys been tight, it just adds to the stress, but I knew my little mission would not be as easy as it looked in my mind. The complexity of the situation continues to grow.

My friend got jumped the other day, I guess she has 3000$ worth of teeth work that needs to be done, 2 guys vs one girl isn't very impressive. Maybe she was being too flashy in the bars cause she did happen to get robbed. Lesson would be, don't flash money around people who have none.

My vision of my future seems to be drastically changing, I figured it would be a walk in the park, but it's so very intense. I know for a fact this point in my life will determine much more to come, its a key factor in my life, a dynamic variable that I'm unable to predict.

I believe this is the point where I was in a sense back just before I went insane, I need to now test the limits of my mind and medication.

Business seems to be my main obsession right now, I just need to organize my data and prioritize things that need to be done, once I get on top of my game I'll walk through this fire no problem, in fact I'll even put the fire out as I go.

Poison

It seems we live in a time where poison comes in many forms, to me poison is anything that harms a person. But there is a certain group of people that have been exposed to enough poison that they became immune to it over time; it's never a comfortable process. They use this process for people who have allergies but usually it starts off very subtle, the doctor slowly exposes the patient to whatever it is that they are allergic to gradually day by day increasing the dose each time. This technique works very well, but what happens when one is exposed to too much all at once?

Usually that person will become too shocked and it becomes un-beneficial to that person. A person should never start off with a high dose of whatever poison it may be.

I may have been exposed to too much myself, it caused a lot of problems for me, perhaps it even triggered my schizophrenia and my use of illicit drugs to cope with my abundance of stress and darkness that developed due to the amount of poison in my mind.

I grew up on a computer for the most part, on the uncensored and raw information super highway, I expressed myself alot better in text then I did in real life, I was not fluent in real life and lacked many of the social skills that a normal person who was out and about. At first I loved to listen to peoples problems and I became real good at helping people deal with theirs, all the while ignoring my own. I found peace helping others find peace. But it came to a point where I ignored my problems so much that I didn't realize that they had built up within my mind, unorganized, unresolved. It was too late, by the time I realized my mind was poisoned I had already lost it. Instead of listening I was now talking and could not listen to anyone. One thing you realize is that not a lot of people can listen to there friends, it is hard to find a good listener.

I think I was so liked back then because I could truly listen with an open mind to most my friends, some even were concerned that I never talked about what was going on inside my mind. Eventually my mind became too poisoned and I made less and less sense, and I talked about the most random things because of the fact that my mind was a full cup, spilling water from the sides, oevr flowing with nowhere to put the excessive water.

Ultimately I lost my mind, and the cup fell over due to the excessive wave of water that spilled into it. This is one reason I created this blog, so that this situation would never happen again, I can not afford to relapse, I have (in a sense) wasted too much time. I'm 4 or 5 years held back from my goal, but I also understand that I can not do everything at once or I may lose that which I require so very much, which is my sanity.

Be sure to open up when you can, a mind can only take so much seclusion.

"History shows that the majority of people that have done anything great have passed their youth in seclusion." - Thomas Carlyle

Noone can see it....

But deep down inside, I've become increasingly numb, or rather emotionless. I didn't think it was possible to be so void of emotions. Recently I've endured some trials and tribulations where my mind was tested to the max and I've found out that regardless of how intense the situation was, my emotions did not fluctuate more then 5% or so. But I did notice that my heart rate increases but my face remained expressionless and my attitude was chill like a cucomber.

I'd like to think that perhaps im experiencing some sort of enlightenment, but I think thats just wishful thinking. It's an odd feeling, the only thing that scares me is that nothing scares me, but then again nothing brings me joy or happiness, I'd imagine this is what limbo is like, not really bad, but not really good either. I spent most my life trying to calm the waters like most Buddhists do, but now they feel too calm, it's very alien to me.

I just feel like I should be feeling something, anything.

I remember a song saying "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all", and that seems to ring true to my situation. I feel so dead on the inside, but try to look so very alive on the outside, no one seems to even notice.

Like a candle without a flame.

I truely need to find fire before its too late.

But on the plus side, my symptoms have almost 100% disappeared, I feel more stable then ever before. I removed myself from my hometown and it has made all the difference to my mind. I'm absorbing information better and more fluently then ever before.

I got a new job at a tech support call center that deals with web hosting companies and its rather refreshing, very relaxed, professional atmosphere that has increased my confidence 50-70%, income security is a major factor that made my life bearable. Although im still dependant on other people my goal is have everyone dependent on me. For a good 5 years I haven't really been truly standing up, insanity knocked me to the ground and only now am I starting to get back up. I would have stood up sooner if I didn't spend the whole time helping other people up during the process. But I have no regrets, I think slow healing is more beneficial then quick sudden healing, all good things come with time.

When my financial situation become stable I can start to work up to investing in areas where I feel will be good. It's uber frustrating when you have all the ideas in the world but not the resources to accomplish them. But I feel so close to something big, something that I shouldn't know about until it comes to me. Something great is going to happen, after 1-3 years of suffering karma is starting to pay up.

I suffered an eternity several times for my wicked ways in the past, now I am on the positive receiving end and I must learn from my past and walk the path of grayness and light rather then grayness and dark. There is a fine line between good and evil, and being right in the middle, one is very influenced by both sides; standing on a fence and keeping the balance is a task that would wear down even the best of minds.

"Gimme sympathy, After all of this is gone, Who'd you rather be? The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?" - Metric

New Places, New Brain Growth

I've been living a very repeatitive lifestyle lately and it seemed to be dragging me down, it's hard on the soul when the same thing day after day happens. I could not take it anymore so one Sunday I was convinced to move 4 hours away from my home town, I knew a few people here and I was epicly bored and drained from the drama and lack of living in my home town. So Sunday night I decided, Monday morning I baught my ticket, Tuesday I packed my stuff, Wednesday I was on the bus on my way to a whole new world. Moving from a city of less then 10 000 to a town that was over 10 times that size was a big step, the bus system seemed stressful and weird and nothing was famillier. I loved it, lost is what I was, but I'd rather be lost in a new place then be lost in small town like my hometown.

It was all so sudden but I loved it, I learned a many things just in this first week or so, and I seen a fair amount of people that I knew from my home town here, I guess its a small world after all. I fell into my old classic habit of smoking marijuana but I think thats an improvement from the other bad things I did in my home town. On top of that I don't even smoke a portion of what I use to, so I see it as a step up.

I started thinking about my illness lately and although I never said this before, I feel I'm almost 100% back to normal, I never made this much progress in the past, it only took me 5 years I guess. I often wonder what the whole reason for going crazy was, at first I thought it was some sort of punishment even though doctors claimed it was a genetic and psychological malfunction of my mind. I'm starting to realize that it was not a punishment at all, I feel it was a lesson that I needed to learn. Before I had my episode I was motivated and had all the passion and willpower that I would ever need, but I had no connections, or resources to perfprm my mission (yes I felt I had a purpose) but oddly enough its the opposite now, I have all the resources and connections but now I have no passion.

I can say I have balanced my mind, I feel almost perfectly balanced, but I lost my passion for life, my purpose and desire for great things. I lack modivation and drive, its like the world is in black, white and gray but has no color to it, so its like a song that im listening to right now is saying "your black and white needs a little bit of red".

I need to find my passion, my desire, my drive. I need to have a reason to wake up. I got blue covored, but red is gone from my life, I need that red color to feel alive again. Balance is nice, but too much is just as bad as not enough.

Maybe I need a little love in my life, but on a plus side this town has 3 girls for every one guy, so I'm in the right place to find what need to be found.


Another thing thats been on my mind is I feel like im so very close to something, something really big and life transforming, but I'm not quite sure what it is, I think its almost better that way. If I knew what was going to happen, maybe it wouldn't happen the way it should have.

Sometimes its better to feel your so close to something better left unknown (also from a song).

I lived a life the last 5 years where I looked for signs to direct me in the right direction, almost relying on a guide, but now I feel im cut loose and the rest of the ride is riding on me. It's a new feeling to me. I feel asif im free... but don't want to be, it's so much easier to just feel asif something dictates whats going to happen in my life. The idea of freedom of choice is new to me, I always thought I had a pre-determined fate.

Even though im free, I think I need to focus on my same ole mission, I feel trapped by it, but its a form of captivity that I have grown acustom to. Perhaps I now have free will, but decided to go down the same path I feel trapped on. It's all I know...

My mission is complex yet simple, I want to endure the burden of life for everyone around me, I want to stand tall and hold the world on my shoulders for everyone around me. I wan't noone to suffer except me. A noble cause in my mind it is, but I feel I can not find anything else I want for myself. Some people tell me I should find my happiness, but I have come to learn that when people around me are happy, I am happy.

What to do, what to do, I guess I'll do what I always do, try to fix everything and maybe if im lucky I'll find a bit of happiness.

Me a Code Monkey?

Although I do feel a bit forced into this, I believe it's time for me to get on track, I considered my education options and becoming a computer programmer seemed like a decent idea. I'm pretty easy going and I do change my mind quite a bit, but I feel this 2 year course will aid me in my mission for awesomeness.

I can't picture myself becoming all anti social again but I feel its the best thing for me, I need time to myself, the reason I was so on top of my game in the past was basically the fact that I didn't have much of a life, I had hours and hours to sit there and think about the things I now have no time to think about.

So school will be something new, and I always was good at computers and have dabbled in a bit of scripting and programming. Theres also a nice little business section of the course so that's 2 birds with one stone kinda deal.

It's going to be a tad bit on the dull side if you ask me, but with programming you can create worlds, universes if you will. Creating games to me is a primitive way of playing god, and the thought of playing god is very appealing. Being a hacker always seemed like a fun idea, I don't think they live the most crazy lives but I'm sure they get paid good if there good.

When you think of it, this world or universe that we live in is merely made of energy (+, -, neutal chages) and can very well be a simulation on a very large scale. So maybe gods actually a programmer... hell, Satan is probably the best gamer in this game.

Well I'll give it my best shot and see what happens, I'll be applying tomorrow!



"What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can hear, what you can smell, taste and feel, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain." - Morpheus

I feel I'm sinking into darkness

I'm slowly sinking into darkness I think. No one wants to admit their evil, usually it's a matter of people always thinking what they do is right by moral standards, even if its an evil deed and nor moral it can be justified with twisted logic.

I'm at the point in my life where I know what good and evil is, or at least I have a fair concept of it, but knowing what they are does not change the fact that many evil deeds are very favorable to good deeds. For one an evil deed gets attention, might not be good attention but attention none the less. Now also a lot of evil deeds can be beneficial material wise, but at the same time can be morally degrading.

An example is drug dealing, if the dealer isn't brain dead he will know that drugs provide temporary solutions to ones problem, but in the end it cases more then it cures. As the drug dealer learns this more and more I'm willing to bet that a little part of him dies day by day. But that dealer will have money at the end of a day, so in a sense he is replacing money with happiness. But in comparison someone working on solar technology and feels he or she is doing a great part in helping humanity will ultimately reach a state of happiness. Some jobs don't provide the same income as pushing smack though, so there will always be people willing to do it.

Another example is a businessman. I Business man can sell a product he or she really doesn't believe in merely for profit, while an honest moral business man wont even buy something that isn't good just because he or she is proud of the quality of their products.

Sometimes you have to decide though...

If you could cure cancer, but to do that you would have to kill 1 000 innocent people, would you do it? logically 1000 people to save millions each year seems like a simple answer, but on a moral level killing anyone is bad, especially innocent people.

So it makes me wonder, does the end justify the means?

Can one bad deed bring forth a torrent of good deeds?

I believe it does... does that make me evil?

Does me thinking this world is contaminated with filth make me a bad person?...

Am I even in a position to judge...?

I want control of my my life, and once I'm done getting that I'm going fix this sick twisted world around me, I will find a solution to every problem. I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my family and friends, to ease their suffering... but first I must help myself...

This World is rotten, I'm so sick of it, it infects me every day and I fight it off continually. but a wise old man said "be the change you want to see in the world" and its true, I need to be on top of my game to help others get to the top too. So its a learning experience that needs to happen.

Dr Horrible - It's a Brand New Day

I feel quite alone...

I been kicking some bad habits lately, re-thinking a lot of things in my life, I haven't posted much in the last few months, things have been very busy. I'm trying to isolate myself now and not be so social. Funny though, all the people around me and so called "friends" that are with me, even with them being there I feel so alone and misunderstood, I'm not the over dramatic type but the more time I get with myself, the more I feel I'm better off alone. There is one person who's been there for me through thick and thin, shes been a real help in helping me get my shit together. She seems to know whats best for me, even when I won't admit it. Stephanie, this ones for you ;).

As I mentioned in previous posts I did develop schizophrenia at about the age of 18-19, but after that I recovered and fell into some drug use. If your wondering what drugs I've done, lets just say pretty much everything there is to do. I went months and months wasting money on nonsense thousands of dollars needlessly. I've gained and lost alot of friends during this time, I've met some amazing people and also some very sketchy characters. One thing you learn right away from this scene is how drained people are, doesn't matter if its pot, xtc, speed or alcohol. You look at people and they have given up on their dreams, and most are ok with it. I seen so many horrible things that it really shook my soul if you will.

I decided I wanted out, but it was not quite so easy, I had to remove myself from situations where I would become tempted and I did have some withdrawal from time to time. As I experienced this internal suffering I watched at people conduct their lives, just passing me by not even noticing anything, they would talk about matters that seemed very unimportant to me. When you hear about friends going to jail and getting stabbed or over dosing you start to realize that the way a house is decorated really means nothing to you. Oblivious is what everyone is to my addiction problem.

One person was always there for me when I needed to talk, and regardless of how weird and disturbing the stories I told her were, she always found a way to cheer me up. Stephanie I can honestly say is my best friend, and I have never even met her.

We met on the game Diablo 2, I was a necromancer raising the dead and she was a sorcerer casting magic crazyness all over the place. I was a high level so I met her on some random game and me being bored I told her I'd be her bitch and followed her around as she leveled up and became stronger. We grew out of the game and started chatting on msn and such. But it would seem now days in life (not the game) she has become stronger then myself. The drugs made me weak if you will, confused, and even at time I felt alone in in despair. She helped me through alot, n I've known her online for over 5 years.

It's only been a month since I stopped all hard drugs and I do feel better, but im still not 100%. I couldn't quit for myself, I really don't care much for my well being, but she insisted I quit and to do it for her. We want to be togeather and it seems my drug problem will get in the way of that, so it had to go. So now I work towards meeting her, perhaps I will find my happiness after all.

I almost owe her my life, the least I could do for her is be myself again :D

This is my first real post about my life in this blog, usually im going on about deep subjects, but what I realized is I should be talking about things that matter to me directly. I can talk all about altruism and schizophrenia and all kind of thick subjects, but if I can't even control my mind or my own life, I am in no position to preach.

So this is the beginning of a more personal blog, this is for you babe ;)

I'll always be there for you Stephanie, I am forever in your dept. I have helped you through a few things but you have helped me much more. I believe thats what its all about helping each other back n forth.