I feel I'm sinking into darkness

I'm slowly sinking into darkness I think. No one wants to admit their evil, usually it's a matter of people always thinking what they do is right by moral standards, even if its an evil deed and nor moral it can be justified with twisted logic.

I'm at the point in my life where I know what good and evil is, or at least I have a fair concept of it, but knowing what they are does not change the fact that many evil deeds are very favorable to good deeds. For one an evil deed gets attention, might not be good attention but attention none the less. Now also a lot of evil deeds can be beneficial material wise, but at the same time can be morally degrading.

An example is drug dealing, if the dealer isn't brain dead he will know that drugs provide temporary solutions to ones problem, but in the end it cases more then it cures. As the drug dealer learns this more and more I'm willing to bet that a little part of him dies day by day. But that dealer will have money at the end of a day, so in a sense he is replacing money with happiness. But in comparison someone working on solar technology and feels he or she is doing a great part in helping humanity will ultimately reach a state of happiness. Some jobs don't provide the same income as pushing smack though, so there will always be people willing to do it.

Another example is a businessman. I Business man can sell a product he or she really doesn't believe in merely for profit, while an honest moral business man wont even buy something that isn't good just because he or she is proud of the quality of their products.

Sometimes you have to decide though...

If you could cure cancer, but to do that you would have to kill 1 000 innocent people, would you do it? logically 1000 people to save millions each year seems like a simple answer, but on a moral level killing anyone is bad, especially innocent people.

So it makes me wonder, does the end justify the means?

Can one bad deed bring forth a torrent of good deeds?

I believe it does... does that make me evil?

Does me thinking this world is contaminated with filth make me a bad person?...

Am I even in a position to judge...?

I want control of my my life, and once I'm done getting that I'm going fix this sick twisted world around me, I will find a solution to every problem. I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my family and friends, to ease their suffering... but first I must help myself...

This World is rotten, I'm so sick of it, it infects me every day and I fight it off continually. but a wise old man said "be the change you want to see in the world" and its true, I need to be on top of my game to help others get to the top too. So its a learning experience that needs to happen.

Dr Horrible - It's a Brand New Day

I feel quite alone...

I been kicking some bad habits lately, re-thinking a lot of things in my life, I haven't posted much in the last few months, things have been very busy. I'm trying to isolate myself now and not be so social. Funny though, all the people around me and so called "friends" that are with me, even with them being there I feel so alone and misunderstood, I'm not the over dramatic type but the more time I get with myself, the more I feel I'm better off alone. There is one person who's been there for me through thick and thin, shes been a real help in helping me get my shit together. She seems to know whats best for me, even when I won't admit it. Stephanie, this ones for you ;).

As I mentioned in previous posts I did develop schizophrenia at about the age of 18-19, but after that I recovered and fell into some drug use. If your wondering what drugs I've done, lets just say pretty much everything there is to do. I went months and months wasting money on nonsense thousands of dollars needlessly. I've gained and lost alot of friends during this time, I've met some amazing people and also some very sketchy characters. One thing you learn right away from this scene is how drained people are, doesn't matter if its pot, xtc, speed or alcohol. You look at people and they have given up on their dreams, and most are ok with it. I seen so many horrible things that it really shook my soul if you will.

I decided I wanted out, but it was not quite so easy, I had to remove myself from situations where I would become tempted and I did have some withdrawal from time to time. As I experienced this internal suffering I watched at people conduct their lives, just passing me by not even noticing anything, they would talk about matters that seemed very unimportant to me. When you hear about friends going to jail and getting stabbed or over dosing you start to realize that the way a house is decorated really means nothing to you. Oblivious is what everyone is to my addiction problem.

One person was always there for me when I needed to talk, and regardless of how weird and disturbing the stories I told her were, she always found a way to cheer me up. Stephanie I can honestly say is my best friend, and I have never even met her.

We met on the game Diablo 2, I was a necromancer raising the dead and she was a sorcerer casting magic crazyness all over the place. I was a high level so I met her on some random game and me being bored I told her I'd be her bitch and followed her around as she leveled up and became stronger. We grew out of the game and started chatting on msn and such. But it would seem now days in life (not the game) she has become stronger then myself. The drugs made me weak if you will, confused, and even at time I felt alone in in despair. She helped me through alot, n I've known her online for over 5 years.

It's only been a month since I stopped all hard drugs and I do feel better, but im still not 100%. I couldn't quit for myself, I really don't care much for my well being, but she insisted I quit and to do it for her. We want to be togeather and it seems my drug problem will get in the way of that, so it had to go. So now I work towards meeting her, perhaps I will find my happiness after all.

I almost owe her my life, the least I could do for her is be myself again :D

This is my first real post about my life in this blog, usually im going on about deep subjects, but what I realized is I should be talking about things that matter to me directly. I can talk all about altruism and schizophrenia and all kind of thick subjects, but if I can't even control my mind or my own life, I am in no position to preach.

So this is the beginning of a more personal blog, this is for you babe ;)

I'll always be there for you Stephanie, I am forever in your dept. I have helped you through a few things but you have helped me much more. I believe thats what its all about helping each other back n forth.

Well, it seems im stuck...

Life has gotten me down, Christmas is already utterly depressing and im broke, jobless and slacking off in a lot of areas in life. I fear I'll never accomplish what I want to in this lifetime if this drags on for years to come. In everyone's search for happiness there is always a challenge, this one is mine.

I hate Christmas... so damn fake and over done.

When life gets bad, real bad, destroy it!

...and start a new one, fresh, new, untainted. A clear slate, open blue skys during the day with a calm wind that's just strong enough to cool down the effects of the hot sun, and during the night, watch dark mystical stars while you lay back, look to the sky and watch the previous universe unfold in front of your very eyes (with a bit of light lag). Each dot in this sky, you must realize is a galaxy of all kinds of possibilities, events, life, death, and complexity of that of our own galaxy.

Swimming Against The Flow

Ahh it's been some time since I have expressed myself on this blog.

So yeah, what comes to mind when writing is the up hill struggle one must endure to enjoy the down hill ride that follows it. I feel that most things in life worth fighting for come with risks of various magnitudes.


As a, somewhat, Taoist I have come to understand that going with the flow can be a very rewarding experience, less stress, less problems, it's just generally easy going. But in my experience you must stick your hand in hot water, or cause a bit of chaos to bring balance when things are out of key. That might not make much sense, but for example, if a person were to burn down a field of dry grass there could be many problems. People can get hurt with fire, houses can burn down, animals lose their homes, things could explode. But after this fire is done with there will remain an abundance of carbon and fertilizer left on the ground for the next generation of grass and flora to use to grow. So in a sense, chaos and destruction gives way to new life. So one may look at a fire and see destruction while another may see it as long term creation in some ways.

So with this in mind, sometimes going with the flow not always a good thing, there is a time to relax and let things slide, and there is a time to swim against the current of life in an attempt to change its course.

Insanity or Enlightenment

I came across this article on the internet while reading about Fallen Angels and their possible link to aliens of some sort, didn't find much but I was sure glad I came across this article, it says alot of what I'd like to say if I wasn't so burnt out and lazy. But I hope you all enjoy.

Insanity or Enlightenment Article By: Colin Wright - Website Link

R.D.Laing, an unorthodox psychiatrist, emphasised the link between the mystic and the schizophrenic. He stated:

"The mystic and the schizophrenic find themselves in the same ocean, but whereas the mystic swims, the schizophrenic drowns."

I concur wholeheartedly with this observation regarding the connection between the mystic and the schizophrenic, but point out, the so called 'schizophrenic' can learn to swim ... given the opportunity. Often, however, the schizophrenic is dragged under by the very people sent in to help.

Unlike the monks who prepare rigorously and systematically to attain and receive enlightenment, those who experience schizophrenia (the Psyche-sensitives), I believe, have enlightenment thrust upon them. Because we have no disciplined framework or foundation to support us, this imposed enlightenment can be enormously difficult to cope with.

The ether of the planet is heavily charged with humanity's negativity. Psyche-sensitives tune into this ethereal energy and are profoundly affected by it. Our darker thoughts and emotions are often simply a painfully acute empathic response to the ills of the world.

I regard the next step in human evolution to be that of enlightenment and my feeling is that schizophrenia is most certainly an expansion of our psychic capacity. I go further, I regard schizophrenia as not only a personal transformation, but also as part of a global one. A metamorphosis that the sea of humanity is undergoing to lead us into an age of intuition and vision. That may sound prophetic, but as a kindred spirit once remarked to me,

"Where would the Old Testament prophets be today if they lived in our times and in our culture?"

The answer - which should not need spelling out - is in our psychiatric institutions.

In other cultures many that would undoubtedly be diagnosed as schizophrenic if they lived in the West, are embraced by their community as valued individuals who cast light on the dynamics of the Universe and our place within it, as chosen Ones.

The tide, however, is turning in the northern hemisphere and there is a Spiritual Emergence Movement in ascendance that is re-addressing these issues.

One of the many visionaries who have been regarded by their contemporaries as 'outsiders' was Edgar Alan Poe, who would almost certainly have been diagnosed schizophrenic, had such a label been available in the eighteen hundreds. This example was cited in Schizophrenia, Creativity and Spirituality, an obscure essay of the 1980's by Guy Stephens.

A dramatic shift in Edgar Alan Poe’s consciousness, sensitised him to deep cosmological insight and in an inspirational out-pouring, Poe produced a work entitled, Eureka.

The work was published mid-way through the nineteenth century. Coincidentally,the term psychosis was also coined then. At this time atoms were believed to be indivisible, irreducible balls of matter, the solid building blocks of the physical universe. In Eureka it is revealed that matter is reducible to attraction and repulsion. Some fifty years later physicists were to make the discovery that confirms his insight.

He Identified the Milky Way as a galaxy before this had been established by astronomy. He stated the Universe began as a single ball of matter that exploded, preceding the Big Bang Theory by seventy years and also conceived time and space to be one and the same, half a century before Einstein had even been conceived.

Edgar Alan Poe, his revelations, and his book were disregarded and dismissed as irrational, incomprehensible and nonsensical.

One hundred and fifty years on they are the corner stones of contemporary scientific knowledge. An overt reminder of the falsely perceived superiority of scientific analytic experimentations over the validity of an individual's intuitive revelations.

I am not from a religious background, nor do I adhere to any one religious framework or system of belief.

I embrace all religions as possessing components and aspects of truth. Any religious body or individual that declare their way the one and only way I regard as false prophets or more accurately false profits.

I was a devout atheist at nineteen, until via my illumination, I saw and felt the expression of divinity in everything and everyone. I touched the presence, intelligence, beauty and love of the Universal Mind, and know that God is not a reality ... God is reality, or, to express this another way, Everything is, because God is Everything. I do not believe in God; I perceive God. In other words I am aware of the consciousness of the Cosmos. The eyes of truth are watching.

The archives of psychiatric institutions are full of the testimonies of people who have also sensed this. And why are these records retained? As evidence of insanity!

Sages, seers and saints -throughout humanity's history have all received transmissions in the form of voices and had the most extraordinary psychic experiences. Perhaps psychiatrists regard them too as deluded; it would be, by their own limited parameters, the only conclusion to draw.

The other side of the coin, however, is that those who make such judgements and assumptions about others are deluding themselves. It is very convenient for society to classify a section of the community as 'the mad' for it produces the somewhat absurd notion that the rest of the population is normal.

With reference to contemporary psychiatric terminology, The Oxford Companion to the Mind defines psychosis as:

'the misapprehension and misinterpretation of the nature of reality.'

Forgive my naivety, but I was unaware that there was a correct way to apprehend and interpret reality, more to the point I was unaware that there was any consensus let alone certainty regarding the nature of reality at all.

So what is the nature of psychiatry's reality?

Written in the stars of the psychiatric Universe is the word LOGIC. The law that governs their Universe was laid down in 300 BC by the Father of Logic, Aristotle:
A must either be or not be A.

To paraphrase, the world is flat. But as cosmologists and physicists look more deeply into the macro and the micro it is becoming very apparent that the Universe is a multiverse and the truth is, surprise, surprise, that reality is not logical and cannot be interpreted or apprehended logically, i.e. light is both a particle and a wave.

A can B, CDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ(and not A)

The vision that is materialising before the very eyes of scientists is one that has long been seen by mystics. It is dawning that the mysterious Universe is also a mystical Universe.

One can understand why psychiatry has created the classification of psychosis, for if psychiatrists were to accept the validity of the testimonies of those who directly experience the multi-dimensional nature of reality they would have to rescind the law that governs their Universe, which would, in turn, invalidate their own reality and by their own rules and definitions, psychiatry itself would be certified psychotic!

The stars would tumble and fall down from their sky and their ludicrous flat earth would be turned upside-down.

So psychiatry padlocks the doors of perception and pockets the keys. The signs placed upon the doors by the Magicians that once said Welcome have been replaced by the Logicians and now say Wellcome-Glaxo and more false profits are made.

Marijuana Prohibition

Marijuana is a plant used throughout history for industrial and recreational purposes since 7000 BC (yes thats 7000 years before Jesus). It has been used to make rope, paper, clothes, essential oils, food and of course to get high for many many years without any real threat to mankind. Marijuana has been made illegal just recently (it's been illegal 1% of the time mankind has known and used it) and many are starting to wonder "Why is the government spending our hard earned tax money fighting such a harmless drug", and they wonder for good reason. I have read that America is slowly accepting less harsh punishments for marijuana use, it will become basically decriminalized within the next few years due to pressure to use resources more wisely during the upcoming economic depression. Canada has decriminalized it completely, this way users who are caught with small amounts aren't given life altering criminal records. When a person is given a criminal record it creates problems with finding jobs and careers, so Joe over here can't get hold a job because of background checks, and because of this Joe may be forced to resort to criminal activities (selling drugs or stealing). So in a sense, this can be counter productive to the economy and society in general. While millions are being spent each year fighting marijuana distributors and cultivators on the legal front, marijuana use continues to grow more and more popular.

Now the next smart move would be legalization, if the government would tax marijuana being sold, they instead of spending millions, they would make millions. Ultimately this takes the power out of the hands of drug lords and organized crime leaders. Many people don't realize but because marijuana is illegal, it's easier for underage children and teens to purchase marijuana from drug dealers then it is to get alcohol, because theres no age limit on illegal drugs.

The laws put in place to protect us from the dangers of marijuana are harming society more then anything, things need to change.

Genetically Engineered Food

We have come to a point in our technological timeline where big changes are going to have to be made, we live in days when the poor starve awhile the financial middle and and upper class of are rewarded for staying small and being able to eat lots of food and gain little weight. We waste food, electricity, gas, and a wide range of other commodities with no or little concern about our own efficiency in these areas. We sit around all day on tv's and computers (yes im doing this now), and drive our fancy cars where we need to go, yet we eat several times more food then a poor African farmer who works hours upon hours per day to barely make ends meat. In almost all poor countries there are many who are willing to work in the fields as farmers to bring in some income, but the land is too dry, the rain too infrequent, the soil to salty and the plants are just not equipped genetically to handle the harshness of some of these environments.

The answer could very well be genetic engineering, genetic engineering is the process of modifying the genetic makeup of an organism to give it special traits which would benefit its growth in environments which normally it would not survive in. Evolution has used this to a lesser extent to help species survive and evolve, but now we have the technology to work hands on with genetic material and modify it to our liking. Many may consider this some sort of abomination or evil technology because technically only god can create life. But with religion aside this technology, like all technology will have positive and negative effects on the environment and the world.

If scientists can create special crops for certain areas like Africa, not only will Africa have enough food for itself, it will be able to take export much of its produce to other countries for relatively cheap; from there other less fortunate countries can buy this inexpensive produce. This is in turn may not solve but will aid in the problem of starvation. Genetically modified food is becoming increasingly popular in the cultivation industry and would be an excellent thing to invest in. Although some believe that GE foods are dangerous, GE foods are closely regulated and studied more then any other food.

“There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.” - Mahatma Ghandi

Some Zen Koans

A Cup of Tea

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!"

"Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"



The Thief Who Became a Disciple

One evening as Shichiri Kojun was reciting sutras a thief with a sharp sword entered, demanding wither his money or his life.

Shichiri told him: "Do not disturb me. You can find the money in that drawer." Then he resumed his recitation.

A little while afterwards he stopped and called: "Don't take it all. I need some to pay taxes with tomorrow."

The intruder gathered up most of the money and started to leave. "Thank a person when you receive a gift," Shichiri added. The man thanked him and made off.

A few days afterwards the fellow was caught and confessed, among others, the offense against Shichiri. When Shichiri was called as a witness he said: "This man is no thief, at least as far as I am concerned. I gave him the money and he thanked me for it."

After he had finished his prison term, the man went to Shichiri and became his disciple.


Right & Wrong

When Bankei held his seclusion-weeks of meditation, pupils from many parts of Japan came to attend. During one of these gatherings a pupil was caught stealing. The matter was reported to Bankei with the request that the culprit be expelled. Bankei ignored the case.

Later the pupil was caught in a similar act, and again bankei disregarded the matter. this angered the other pupils, who drew up a petition asking for the dismissal of the thief, stating that otherwise they woudl leave in a body.

When bankei had read the petition he called everyone before him. "You are wise brothers," he told them. "You know what is right and what is not right. You may somewhere else to study if ou wish, but this poor brother does not even know right from wrong. Who will teach him if I do not? I am going to keep him here even if all the rest of you leave."

A torrent of tears cleansed the face of the brother who had stolen. All desire to steal had vanished.

Muddy Road

Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.

Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.

"Come on, girl" said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.

Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"



Not Far from Buddhahood

A university student while visiting Gasan asked him: "Have you ever read the Christian Bible?"

"No, read it to me," said Gasan.

The student opened the Bible and read from St. Matthew: "And why take ye thought for rainment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They toil not, neither do they spin, and yet I say unto you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these... Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself."

Gasan said: "Whoever uttered those words I consider an enlightened man."

The student continued reading: "Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asketh receiveth, and he that seeketh findeth, and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

Gasan remarked: "That is excellent. Whoever said that is not far from Buddhahood."

Altruism: Altruism & Sikh

This was taken from wikipedia, but I thought it helped depict a good lesson in the art of war and compassion.

Altruism is essential to the Sikh religion. In the late 1600s, Guru Gobind Singh Ji (the tenth guru in Sikhism), was in war with the Moghul rulers to protect the people of different faiths, when a fellow Sikh, Bhai Kanhaiya, attended the troops of the enemy. He gave water to both friends and foes who were wounded on the battlefield. Some of the enemy began to fight again and some Sikh warriors were annoyed by Bhai Kanhaiya as he was helping their enemy. Sikh soldiers brought Bhai Kanhaiya before Guru Gobind Singh Ji, and complained of his action that they considered counterproductive to their struggle on the battlefield. "What were you doing, and why?" asked the Guru. "I was giving water to the wounded because I saw your face in all of them," replied Bhai Kanhaiya. The Guru responded, "Then you should also give them ointment to heal their wounds. You were practicing what you were coached in the house of the Guru."

It is important to practice compassion and altruism even during the heat of a battle, you can not fight fire with fire. It is pointless to go to church every day and be exposed to such positive wisdom and then go on with daily life and get angry at people, and do things the bible says not to do. It is good to know about what is right and wrong, but it's a lot more challenging to incorporate good will into your everyday mindset.

The Umbrella Effect

One night I had a very symbolic dream that really stuck with me, I'm not good at remembering dreams (although they are often very kick ass) but this one stuck with me.

I was in the middle of the forest, it's pitch dark and there is no light to be seen. My eyes adjust to the darkness over time and I am able to make out several trails before me. Not knowing where I came from, where I am or even where I'm going it would seem to me it makes no difference which trail I pick. I start walking down a random path and it begins to pour rain all. It slowly become colder and colder and doubt about my trail choice starts to spread within my mind. I continue to walk only because I have two choices... walk or stay put, but staying put wont get me anywhere so I walk, step after step, through mud puddles and cold streams crossing my path. I see something in a distance and as I come close to it, I find out that is another person. I look at his face and what is see is the face of someone who has given up in his search for light and warmth. At this point I don't know what to do, I can barely walk myself but on the other hand I don't want to leave him alone; I do what feels right and pick him up and carry him with me, this ultimately slows me down due too frequent rests and lack of energy and stamina. I eventually come across another person, this time it was a girl, she was still walking slowly but had an expression on her face that said she was close to giving up, I ask her to join me on my journey and she accepts, just having someone to walk and talk with seems to give both me and her hope as we both carry the first guy I met. Everyone I come across in this dream is worn out and it shows in their eyes. Theres not much a person can do in such a situation, I can only carry so many people along with me, so I look around and surprisingly enough I find an old umbrella; this umbrella isn't going to solve the mystery of what were doing here or why it's so damn cold and dark, but its enough to keep the rain off me and those around me. I hold the umbrella up for me and my friends, the umbrella keeps the rain off us, this in turn helps us become dry, and although we won't feel warmth, we become less cold, making our journey into the unknown a bit more tolerable.

So if you find yourself in the rain, lost, cold and frustrated, find yourself an umbrella and hold it up for you and your friends.

“He was so benevolent, so merciful a man that, in his mistaken passion, he would have held an umbrella over a duck in a shower of rain” - Douglas Jerrold

Altruism: Divine Path

I guess I'll start this post with a quote rather then end it with one, seems appropriate.

"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." - MLKJ

In a world where egotism is the dominant state of mind, altruism seems like a rather noble yet difficult transition for most people. But consider if you will a world where you do not need to worry about your own well being because everyone around you is doing that for you; all you would need to do is look out for everyone around you also. Instead of finding happiness and fulfillment in your own self accomplishments try to find self gratification through the unconditional giving and helping of others. It is very rewarding to see a smile on a friends or family member's face because you did some small favor that just happened to make all the difference in their day. We tend to wait until someone is in dire need before actually lending a hand. I think this is wrong, we should be able to prevent problems from happening to friends and family by always lending a hand and paying close attention to their mental, physical, and spiritual well being.

I know one might think "what does just one favor do in the long run?" but to that one person you helped, it could mean the world, you could have very well helped them out during a great depression and that kindness might just have been enough to save their lives. The Butterfly effect comes into play in these kinds of situation, you may not be the direct cause of saving someones life, but through the butterfly effect you may be the butterfly that flaps it's wings and creates a hurricane of positive change in a persons life, and that is a noble cause if you ask me. So every time someone does something kind and generous towards you, join the cause and do 3 acts of generosity towards 3 other people.