Me a Code Monkey?

Although I do feel a bit forced into this, I believe it's time for me to get on track, I considered my education options and becoming a computer programmer seemed like a decent idea. I'm pretty easy going and I do change my mind quite a bit, but I feel this 2 year course will aid me in my mission for awesomeness.

I can't picture myself becoming all anti social again but I feel its the best thing for me, I need time to myself, the reason I was so on top of my game in the past was basically the fact that I didn't have much of a life, I had hours and hours to sit there and think about the things I now have no time to think about.

So school will be something new, and I always was good at computers and have dabbled in a bit of scripting and programming. Theres also a nice little business section of the course so that's 2 birds with one stone kinda deal.

It's going to be a tad bit on the dull side if you ask me, but with programming you can create worlds, universes if you will. Creating games to me is a primitive way of playing god, and the thought of playing god is very appealing. Being a hacker always seemed like a fun idea, I don't think they live the most crazy lives but I'm sure they get paid good if there good.

When you think of it, this world or universe that we live in is merely made of energy (+, -, neutal chages) and can very well be a simulation on a very large scale. So maybe gods actually a programmer... hell, Satan is probably the best gamer in this game.

Well I'll give it my best shot and see what happens, I'll be applying tomorrow!



"What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can hear, what you can smell, taste and feel, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain." - Morpheus

I feel I'm sinking into darkness

I'm slowly sinking into darkness I think. No one wants to admit their evil, usually it's a matter of people always thinking what they do is right by moral standards, even if its an evil deed and nor moral it can be justified with twisted logic.

I'm at the point in my life where I know what good and evil is, or at least I have a fair concept of it, but knowing what they are does not change the fact that many evil deeds are very favorable to good deeds. For one an evil deed gets attention, might not be good attention but attention none the less. Now also a lot of evil deeds can be beneficial material wise, but at the same time can be morally degrading.

An example is drug dealing, if the dealer isn't brain dead he will know that drugs provide temporary solutions to ones problem, but in the end it cases more then it cures. As the drug dealer learns this more and more I'm willing to bet that a little part of him dies day by day. But that dealer will have money at the end of a day, so in a sense he is replacing money with happiness. But in comparison someone working on solar technology and feels he or she is doing a great part in helping humanity will ultimately reach a state of happiness. Some jobs don't provide the same income as pushing smack though, so there will always be people willing to do it.

Another example is a businessman. I Business man can sell a product he or she really doesn't believe in merely for profit, while an honest moral business man wont even buy something that isn't good just because he or she is proud of the quality of their products.

Sometimes you have to decide though...

If you could cure cancer, but to do that you would have to kill 1 000 innocent people, would you do it? logically 1000 people to save millions each year seems like a simple answer, but on a moral level killing anyone is bad, especially innocent people.

So it makes me wonder, does the end justify the means?

Can one bad deed bring forth a torrent of good deeds?

I believe it does... does that make me evil?

Does me thinking this world is contaminated with filth make me a bad person?...

Am I even in a position to judge...?

I want control of my my life, and once I'm done getting that I'm going fix this sick twisted world around me, I will find a solution to every problem. I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my family and friends, to ease their suffering... but first I must help myself...

This World is rotten, I'm so sick of it, it infects me every day and I fight it off continually. but a wise old man said "be the change you want to see in the world" and its true, I need to be on top of my game to help others get to the top too. So its a learning experience that needs to happen.

Dr Horrible - It's a Brand New Day

I feel quite alone...

I been kicking some bad habits lately, re-thinking a lot of things in my life, I haven't posted much in the last few months, things have been very busy. I'm trying to isolate myself now and not be so social. Funny though, all the people around me and so called "friends" that are with me, even with them being there I feel so alone and misunderstood, I'm not the over dramatic type but the more time I get with myself, the more I feel I'm better off alone. There is one person who's been there for me through thick and thin, shes been a real help in helping me get my shit together. She seems to know whats best for me, even when I won't admit it. Stephanie, this ones for you ;).

As I mentioned in previous posts I did develop schizophrenia at about the age of 18-19, but after that I recovered and fell into some drug use. If your wondering what drugs I've done, lets just say pretty much everything there is to do. I went months and months wasting money on nonsense thousands of dollars needlessly. I've gained and lost alot of friends during this time, I've met some amazing people and also some very sketchy characters. One thing you learn right away from this scene is how drained people are, doesn't matter if its pot, xtc, speed or alcohol. You look at people and they have given up on their dreams, and most are ok with it. I seen so many horrible things that it really shook my soul if you will.

I decided I wanted out, but it was not quite so easy, I had to remove myself from situations where I would become tempted and I did have some withdrawal from time to time. As I experienced this internal suffering I watched at people conduct their lives, just passing me by not even noticing anything, they would talk about matters that seemed very unimportant to me. When you hear about friends going to jail and getting stabbed or over dosing you start to realize that the way a house is decorated really means nothing to you. Oblivious is what everyone is to my addiction problem.

One person was always there for me when I needed to talk, and regardless of how weird and disturbing the stories I told her were, she always found a way to cheer me up. Stephanie I can honestly say is my best friend, and I have never even met her.

We met on the game Diablo 2, I was a necromancer raising the dead and she was a sorcerer casting magic crazyness all over the place. I was a high level so I met her on some random game and me being bored I told her I'd be her bitch and followed her around as she leveled up and became stronger. We grew out of the game and started chatting on msn and such. But it would seem now days in life (not the game) she has become stronger then myself. The drugs made me weak if you will, confused, and even at time I felt alone in in despair. She helped me through alot, n I've known her online for over 5 years.

It's only been a month since I stopped all hard drugs and I do feel better, but im still not 100%. I couldn't quit for myself, I really don't care much for my well being, but she insisted I quit and to do it for her. We want to be togeather and it seems my drug problem will get in the way of that, so it had to go. So now I work towards meeting her, perhaps I will find my happiness after all.

I almost owe her my life, the least I could do for her is be myself again :D

This is my first real post about my life in this blog, usually im going on about deep subjects, but what I realized is I should be talking about things that matter to me directly. I can talk all about altruism and schizophrenia and all kind of thick subjects, but if I can't even control my mind or my own life, I am in no position to preach.

So this is the beginning of a more personal blog, this is for you babe ;)

I'll always be there for you Stephanie, I am forever in your dept. I have helped you through a few things but you have helped me much more. I believe thats what its all about helping each other back n forth.

Well, it seems im stuck...

Life has gotten me down, Christmas is already utterly depressing and im broke, jobless and slacking off in a lot of areas in life. I fear I'll never accomplish what I want to in this lifetime if this drags on for years to come. In everyone's search for happiness there is always a challenge, this one is mine.

I hate Christmas... so damn fake and over done.

When life gets bad, real bad, destroy it!

...and start a new one, fresh, new, untainted. A clear slate, open blue skys during the day with a calm wind that's just strong enough to cool down the effects of the hot sun, and during the night, watch dark mystical stars while you lay back, look to the sky and watch the previous universe unfold in front of your very eyes (with a bit of light lag). Each dot in this sky, you must realize is a galaxy of all kinds of possibilities, events, life, death, and complexity of that of our own galaxy.

Swimming Against The Flow

Ahh it's been some time since I have expressed myself on this blog.

So yeah, what comes to mind when writing is the up hill struggle one must endure to enjoy the down hill ride that follows it. I feel that most things in life worth fighting for come with risks of various magnitudes.


As a, somewhat, Taoist I have come to understand that going with the flow can be a very rewarding experience, less stress, less problems, it's just generally easy going. But in my experience you must stick your hand in hot water, or cause a bit of chaos to bring balance when things are out of key. That might not make much sense, but for example, if a person were to burn down a field of dry grass there could be many problems. People can get hurt with fire, houses can burn down, animals lose their homes, things could explode. But after this fire is done with there will remain an abundance of carbon and fertilizer left on the ground for the next generation of grass and flora to use to grow. So in a sense, chaos and destruction gives way to new life. So one may look at a fire and see destruction while another may see it as long term creation in some ways.

So with this in mind, sometimes going with the flow not always a good thing, there is a time to relax and let things slide, and there is a time to swim against the current of life in an attempt to change its course.

Insanity or Enlightenment

I came across this article on the internet while reading about Fallen Angels and their possible link to aliens of some sort, didn't find much but I was sure glad I came across this article, it says alot of what I'd like to say if I wasn't so burnt out and lazy. But I hope you all enjoy.

Insanity or Enlightenment Article By: Colin Wright - Website Link

R.D.Laing, an unorthodox psychiatrist, emphasised the link between the mystic and the schizophrenic. He stated:

"The mystic and the schizophrenic find themselves in the same ocean, but whereas the mystic swims, the schizophrenic drowns."

I concur wholeheartedly with this observation regarding the connection between the mystic and the schizophrenic, but point out, the so called 'schizophrenic' can learn to swim ... given the opportunity. Often, however, the schizophrenic is dragged under by the very people sent in to help.

Unlike the monks who prepare rigorously and systematically to attain and receive enlightenment, those who experience schizophrenia (the Psyche-sensitives), I believe, have enlightenment thrust upon them. Because we have no disciplined framework or foundation to support us, this imposed enlightenment can be enormously difficult to cope with.

The ether of the planet is heavily charged with humanity's negativity. Psyche-sensitives tune into this ethereal energy and are profoundly affected by it. Our darker thoughts and emotions are often simply a painfully acute empathic response to the ills of the world.

I regard the next step in human evolution to be that of enlightenment and my feeling is that schizophrenia is most certainly an expansion of our psychic capacity. I go further, I regard schizophrenia as not only a personal transformation, but also as part of a global one. A metamorphosis that the sea of humanity is undergoing to lead us into an age of intuition and vision. That may sound prophetic, but as a kindred spirit once remarked to me,

"Where would the Old Testament prophets be today if they lived in our times and in our culture?"

The answer - which should not need spelling out - is in our psychiatric institutions.

In other cultures many that would undoubtedly be diagnosed as schizophrenic if they lived in the West, are embraced by their community as valued individuals who cast light on the dynamics of the Universe and our place within it, as chosen Ones.

The tide, however, is turning in the northern hemisphere and there is a Spiritual Emergence Movement in ascendance that is re-addressing these issues.

One of the many visionaries who have been regarded by their contemporaries as 'outsiders' was Edgar Alan Poe, who would almost certainly have been diagnosed schizophrenic, had such a label been available in the eighteen hundreds. This example was cited in Schizophrenia, Creativity and Spirituality, an obscure essay of the 1980's by Guy Stephens.

A dramatic shift in Edgar Alan Poe’s consciousness, sensitised him to deep cosmological insight and in an inspirational out-pouring, Poe produced a work entitled, Eureka.

The work was published mid-way through the nineteenth century. Coincidentally,the term psychosis was also coined then. At this time atoms were believed to be indivisible, irreducible balls of matter, the solid building blocks of the physical universe. In Eureka it is revealed that matter is reducible to attraction and repulsion. Some fifty years later physicists were to make the discovery that confirms his insight.

He Identified the Milky Way as a galaxy before this had been established by astronomy. He stated the Universe began as a single ball of matter that exploded, preceding the Big Bang Theory by seventy years and also conceived time and space to be one and the same, half a century before Einstein had even been conceived.

Edgar Alan Poe, his revelations, and his book were disregarded and dismissed as irrational, incomprehensible and nonsensical.

One hundred and fifty years on they are the corner stones of contemporary scientific knowledge. An overt reminder of the falsely perceived superiority of scientific analytic experimentations over the validity of an individual's intuitive revelations.

I am not from a religious background, nor do I adhere to any one religious framework or system of belief.

I embrace all religions as possessing components and aspects of truth. Any religious body or individual that declare their way the one and only way I regard as false prophets or more accurately false profits.

I was a devout atheist at nineteen, until via my illumination, I saw and felt the expression of divinity in everything and everyone. I touched the presence, intelligence, beauty and love of the Universal Mind, and know that God is not a reality ... God is reality, or, to express this another way, Everything is, because God is Everything. I do not believe in God; I perceive God. In other words I am aware of the consciousness of the Cosmos. The eyes of truth are watching.

The archives of psychiatric institutions are full of the testimonies of people who have also sensed this. And why are these records retained? As evidence of insanity!

Sages, seers and saints -throughout humanity's history have all received transmissions in the form of voices and had the most extraordinary psychic experiences. Perhaps psychiatrists regard them too as deluded; it would be, by their own limited parameters, the only conclusion to draw.

The other side of the coin, however, is that those who make such judgements and assumptions about others are deluding themselves. It is very convenient for society to classify a section of the community as 'the mad' for it produces the somewhat absurd notion that the rest of the population is normal.

With reference to contemporary psychiatric terminology, The Oxford Companion to the Mind defines psychosis as:

'the misapprehension and misinterpretation of the nature of reality.'

Forgive my naivety, but I was unaware that there was a correct way to apprehend and interpret reality, more to the point I was unaware that there was any consensus let alone certainty regarding the nature of reality at all.

So what is the nature of psychiatry's reality?

Written in the stars of the psychiatric Universe is the word LOGIC. The law that governs their Universe was laid down in 300 BC by the Father of Logic, Aristotle:
A must either be or not be A.

To paraphrase, the world is flat. But as cosmologists and physicists look more deeply into the macro and the micro it is becoming very apparent that the Universe is a multiverse and the truth is, surprise, surprise, that reality is not logical and cannot be interpreted or apprehended logically, i.e. light is both a particle and a wave.

A can B, CDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ(and not A)

The vision that is materialising before the very eyes of scientists is one that has long been seen by mystics. It is dawning that the mysterious Universe is also a mystical Universe.

One can understand why psychiatry has created the classification of psychosis, for if psychiatrists were to accept the validity of the testimonies of those who directly experience the multi-dimensional nature of reality they would have to rescind the law that governs their Universe, which would, in turn, invalidate their own reality and by their own rules and definitions, psychiatry itself would be certified psychotic!

The stars would tumble and fall down from their sky and their ludicrous flat earth would be turned upside-down.

So psychiatry padlocks the doors of perception and pockets the keys. The signs placed upon the doors by the Magicians that once said Welcome have been replaced by the Logicians and now say Wellcome-Glaxo and more false profits are made.