So im wondering, whats the purpose of life, I mean, I know its to find some girl, get married have a kid, raise the kid, work like 2 jobs and then retire with not much to show, but im wondering what the big picture really is. Could it be that our purpose is to colonize this planet until all natural resources are taped then move on to several other planets and do the same thing like some kind of fungus that sends it's spores into the wind to infect others resources?
Well either why I would like to know what MY purpose is, at one point I actually did feel I had a purpose and it seemed like quite an important one at the time, but then the doctors told me I was just tripping and that I had gone insane, so that kinda crushed my feelings about that particular purpose.
Well I came up with a new purpose. Picture this if you will, we live in a highly chaotic world, lots of stress and bad stuff all around, I see everything that makes us unhappy as rain, and I think what my purpose is, is to hold a huge ass umbrella for everyone around me, making their miserable lives just a tad bit less miserable by sacrificing on my part. Now how far I go with the size of the umbrella is kind of up to me, but it comes at a cost im sure. Maybe this is just my attempt to buy my way into heaven if such a thing exists. I'm not a very emotional person, nore am I even very nice in real life (im kind of an ass), but one thing is im generous with is money, even though I don't have much, I'm always helping people out with the little that I do have; it makes me feel good and helps people in the process, theres not much of a down side to it I dont think.
Efficiency too, thats another thing I need to beef up, my life has become rather pointless and un-goal oriented, I feel that my life is being wasted, but at the same time I don't want to lose my soul while trying to be all I can be. It's a tricky situation, but I guess I need to find a balance between both.
It's kinda weird, during my psychotic episode I use to listen to this techno song that I thought said "I am a raven"... well it was actually "I am a raver", but it sounded like raven to me, so I would listen to this song over n over n over and loved it, it gave me such energy. So I looked up the symbolism of a raven, and sure enough this is what I found:
"Raven symbolizes protection, initiation and healing. It brings in deep healing and signifies the death of one thing to bring in the birth of another. Raven’s other attributes are eloquence, change in consciousness, wisdom, messages from spirit and something unexpected, but beneficial would happen soon."
I know theres not much of a connection, but I find ever since I became schizo, everything I experienced had become exponentially symbolic.
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed." - Unknown
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Hi Michael, welcome to the world of blogging. And thanks for sending me an email. I will get back to you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first became psychotic the voices told me I was a holy woman, then that I was Jesus reincarnated as an abused woman, but then they also later said I was the antichrist. It was horrible, but the psychosis was strong and I fell under its spell. It took me three years and three psychotic breaks before I would take the anti-psychotic meds. From there I came out of most of my delusions and paranoia only to fall into a suicidal depression, but eventually that stopped, though I still struggle with depression.
You are young, no wonder you want to find some kind of purpose in life. Being generous is a good beginning to something. And this blog is a good beginning to get you writing. You write well and are obviously bright. I look forward to reading more.
Kate
Well I thought I was a lot of things during my episode, but I had good parents who are both nurses at a mental institution, so they helped and supported me a lot. I'm one of the few who took my medication from the beginning and never stopped. As for depression, well I have always had it since grade 8 or so. But yeah I read that 1/10 schizophrenics end up ending their lives, kind of a disturbing fact.
ReplyDeleteStay strong kate!