Poison

It seems we live in a time where poison comes in many forms, to me poison is anything that harms a person. But there is a certain group of people that have been exposed to enough poison that they became immune to it over time; it's never a comfortable process. They use this process for people who have allergies but usually it starts off very subtle, the doctor slowly exposes the patient to whatever it is that they are allergic to gradually day by day increasing the dose each time. This technique works very well, but what happens when one is exposed to too much all at once?

Usually that person will become too shocked and it becomes un-beneficial to that person. A person should never start off with a high dose of whatever poison it may be.

I may have been exposed to too much myself, it caused a lot of problems for me, perhaps it even triggered my schizophrenia and my use of illicit drugs to cope with my abundance of stress and darkness that developed due to the amount of poison in my mind.

I grew up on a computer for the most part, on the uncensored and raw information super highway, I expressed myself alot better in text then I did in real life, I was not fluent in real life and lacked many of the social skills that a normal person who was out and about. At first I loved to listen to peoples problems and I became real good at helping people deal with theirs, all the while ignoring my own. I found peace helping others find peace. But it came to a point where I ignored my problems so much that I didn't realize that they had built up within my mind, unorganized, unresolved. It was too late, by the time I realized my mind was poisoned I had already lost it. Instead of listening I was now talking and could not listen to anyone. One thing you realize is that not a lot of people can listen to there friends, it is hard to find a good listener.

I think I was so liked back then because I could truly listen with an open mind to most my friends, some even were concerned that I never talked about what was going on inside my mind. Eventually my mind became too poisoned and I made less and less sense, and I talked about the most random things because of the fact that my mind was a full cup, spilling water from the sides, oevr flowing with nowhere to put the excessive water.

Ultimately I lost my mind, and the cup fell over due to the excessive wave of water that spilled into it. This is one reason I created this blog, so that this situation would never happen again, I can not afford to relapse, I have (in a sense) wasted too much time. I'm 4 or 5 years held back from my goal, but I also understand that I can not do everything at once or I may lose that which I require so very much, which is my sanity.

Be sure to open up when you can, a mind can only take so much seclusion.

"History shows that the majority of people that have done anything great have passed their youth in seclusion." - Thomas Carlyle

Noone can see it....

But deep down inside, I've become increasingly numb, or rather emotionless. I didn't think it was possible to be so void of emotions. Recently I've endured some trials and tribulations where my mind was tested to the max and I've found out that regardless of how intense the situation was, my emotions did not fluctuate more then 5% or so. But I did notice that my heart rate increases but my face remained expressionless and my attitude was chill like a cucomber.

I'd like to think that perhaps im experiencing some sort of enlightenment, but I think thats just wishful thinking. It's an odd feeling, the only thing that scares me is that nothing scares me, but then again nothing brings me joy or happiness, I'd imagine this is what limbo is like, not really bad, but not really good either. I spent most my life trying to calm the waters like most Buddhists do, but now they feel too calm, it's very alien to me.

I just feel like I should be feeling something, anything.

I remember a song saying "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all", and that seems to ring true to my situation. I feel so dead on the inside, but try to look so very alive on the outside, no one seems to even notice.

Like a candle without a flame.

I truely need to find fire before its too late.

But on the plus side, my symptoms have almost 100% disappeared, I feel more stable then ever before. I removed myself from my hometown and it has made all the difference to my mind. I'm absorbing information better and more fluently then ever before.

I got a new job at a tech support call center that deals with web hosting companies and its rather refreshing, very relaxed, professional atmosphere that has increased my confidence 50-70%, income security is a major factor that made my life bearable. Although im still dependant on other people my goal is have everyone dependent on me. For a good 5 years I haven't really been truly standing up, insanity knocked me to the ground and only now am I starting to get back up. I would have stood up sooner if I didn't spend the whole time helping other people up during the process. But I have no regrets, I think slow healing is more beneficial then quick sudden healing, all good things come with time.

When my financial situation become stable I can start to work up to investing in areas where I feel will be good. It's uber frustrating when you have all the ideas in the world but not the resources to accomplish them. But I feel so close to something big, something that I shouldn't know about until it comes to me. Something great is going to happen, after 1-3 years of suffering karma is starting to pay up.

I suffered an eternity several times for my wicked ways in the past, now I am on the positive receiving end and I must learn from my past and walk the path of grayness and light rather then grayness and dark. There is a fine line between good and evil, and being right in the middle, one is very influenced by both sides; standing on a fence and keeping the balance is a task that would wear down even the best of minds.

"Gimme sympathy, After all of this is gone, Who'd you rather be? The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?" - Metric