I feel I'm sinking into darkness

I'm slowly sinking into darkness I think. No one wants to admit their evil, usually it's a matter of people always thinking what they do is right by moral standards, even if its an evil deed and nor moral it can be justified with twisted logic.

I'm at the point in my life where I know what good and evil is, or at least I have a fair concept of it, but knowing what they are does not change the fact that many evil deeds are very favorable to good deeds. For one an evil deed gets attention, might not be good attention but attention none the less. Now also a lot of evil deeds can be beneficial material wise, but at the same time can be morally degrading.

An example is drug dealing, if the dealer isn't brain dead he will know that drugs provide temporary solutions to ones problem, but in the end it cases more then it cures. As the drug dealer learns this more and more I'm willing to bet that a little part of him dies day by day. But that dealer will have money at the end of a day, so in a sense he is replacing money with happiness. But in comparison someone working on solar technology and feels he or she is doing a great part in helping humanity will ultimately reach a state of happiness. Some jobs don't provide the same income as pushing smack though, so there will always be people willing to do it.

Another example is a businessman. I Business man can sell a product he or she really doesn't believe in merely for profit, while an honest moral business man wont even buy something that isn't good just because he or she is proud of the quality of their products.

Sometimes you have to decide though...

If you could cure cancer, but to do that you would have to kill 1 000 innocent people, would you do it? logically 1000 people to save millions each year seems like a simple answer, but on a moral level killing anyone is bad, especially innocent people.

So it makes me wonder, does the end justify the means?

Can one bad deed bring forth a torrent of good deeds?

I believe it does... does that make me evil?

Does me thinking this world is contaminated with filth make me a bad person?...

Am I even in a position to judge...?

I want control of my my life, and once I'm done getting that I'm going fix this sick twisted world around me, I will find a solution to every problem. I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my family and friends, to ease their suffering... but first I must help myself...

This World is rotten, I'm so sick of it, it infects me every day and I fight it off continually. but a wise old man said "be the change you want to see in the world" and its true, I need to be on top of my game to help others get to the top too. So its a learning experience that needs to happen.

Dr Horrible - It's a Brand New Day

I feel quite alone...

I been kicking some bad habits lately, re-thinking a lot of things in my life, I haven't posted much in the last few months, things have been very busy. I'm trying to isolate myself now and not be so social. Funny though, all the people around me and so called "friends" that are with me, even with them being there I feel so alone and misunderstood, I'm not the over dramatic type but the more time I get with myself, the more I feel I'm better off alone. There is one person who's been there for me through thick and thin, shes been a real help in helping me get my shit together. She seems to know whats best for me, even when I won't admit it. Stephanie, this ones for you ;).

As I mentioned in previous posts I did develop schizophrenia at about the age of 18-19, but after that I recovered and fell into some drug use. If your wondering what drugs I've done, lets just say pretty much everything there is to do. I went months and months wasting money on nonsense thousands of dollars needlessly. I've gained and lost alot of friends during this time, I've met some amazing people and also some very sketchy characters. One thing you learn right away from this scene is how drained people are, doesn't matter if its pot, xtc, speed or alcohol. You look at people and they have given up on their dreams, and most are ok with it. I seen so many horrible things that it really shook my soul if you will.

I decided I wanted out, but it was not quite so easy, I had to remove myself from situations where I would become tempted and I did have some withdrawal from time to time. As I experienced this internal suffering I watched at people conduct their lives, just passing me by not even noticing anything, they would talk about matters that seemed very unimportant to me. When you hear about friends going to jail and getting stabbed or over dosing you start to realize that the way a house is decorated really means nothing to you. Oblivious is what everyone is to my addiction problem.

One person was always there for me when I needed to talk, and regardless of how weird and disturbing the stories I told her were, she always found a way to cheer me up. Stephanie I can honestly say is my best friend, and I have never even met her.

We met on the game Diablo 2, I was a necromancer raising the dead and she was a sorcerer casting magic crazyness all over the place. I was a high level so I met her on some random game and me being bored I told her I'd be her bitch and followed her around as she leveled up and became stronger. We grew out of the game and started chatting on msn and such. But it would seem now days in life (not the game) she has become stronger then myself. The drugs made me weak if you will, confused, and even at time I felt alone in in despair. She helped me through alot, n I've known her online for over 5 years.

It's only been a month since I stopped all hard drugs and I do feel better, but im still not 100%. I couldn't quit for myself, I really don't care much for my well being, but she insisted I quit and to do it for her. We want to be togeather and it seems my drug problem will get in the way of that, so it had to go. So now I work towards meeting her, perhaps I will find my happiness after all.

I almost owe her my life, the least I could do for her is be myself again :D

This is my first real post about my life in this blog, usually im going on about deep subjects, but what I realized is I should be talking about things that matter to me directly. I can talk all about altruism and schizophrenia and all kind of thick subjects, but if I can't even control my mind or my own life, I am in no position to preach.

So this is the beginning of a more personal blog, this is for you babe ;)

I'll always be there for you Stephanie, I am forever in your dept. I have helped you through a few things but you have helped me much more. I believe thats what its all about helping each other back n forth.

Well, it seems im stuck...

Life has gotten me down, Christmas is already utterly depressing and im broke, jobless and slacking off in a lot of areas in life. I fear I'll never accomplish what I want to in this lifetime if this drags on for years to come. In everyone's search for happiness there is always a challenge, this one is mine.

I hate Christmas... so damn fake and over done.