I been kicking some bad habits lately, re-thinking a lot of things in my life, I haven't posted much in the last few months, things have been very busy. I'm trying to isolate myself now and not be so social. Funny though, all the people around me and so called "friends" that are with me, even with them being there I feel so alone and misunderstood, I'm not the over dramatic type but the more time I get with myself, the more I feel I'm better off alone. There is one person who's been there for me through thick and thin, shes been a real help in helping me get my shit together. She seems to know whats best for me, even when I won't admit it. Stephanie, this ones for you ;).
As I mentioned in previous posts I did develop schizophrenia at about the age of 18-19, but after that I recovered and fell into some drug use. If your wondering what drugs I've done, lets just say pretty much everything there is to do. I went months and months wasting money on nonsense thousands of dollars needlessly. I've gained and lost alot of friends during this time, I've met some amazing people and also some very sketchy characters. One thing you learn right away from this scene is how drained people are, doesn't matter if its pot, xtc, speed or alcohol. You look at people and they have given up on their dreams, and most are ok with it. I seen so many horrible things that it really shook my soul if you will.
I decided I wanted out, but it was not quite so easy, I had to remove myself from situations where I would become tempted and I did have some withdrawal from time to time. As I experienced this internal suffering I watched at people conduct their lives, just passing me by not even noticing anything, they would talk about matters that seemed very unimportant to me. When you hear about friends going to jail and getting stabbed or over dosing you start to realize that the way a house is decorated really means nothing to you. Oblivious is what everyone is to my addiction problem.
One person was always there for me when I needed to talk, and regardless of how weird and disturbing the stories I told her were, she always found a way to cheer me up. Stephanie I can honestly say is my best friend, and I have never even met her.
We met on the game Diablo 2, I was a necromancer raising the dead and she was a sorcerer casting magic crazyness all over the place. I was a high level so I met her on some random game and me being bored I told her I'd be her bitch and followed her around as she leveled up and became stronger. We grew out of the game and started chatting on msn and such. But it would seem now days in life (not the game) she has become stronger then myself. The drugs made me weak if you will, confused, and even at time I felt alone in in despair. She helped me through alot, n I've known her online for over 5 years.
It's only been a month since I stopped all hard drugs and I do feel better, but im still not 100%. I couldn't quit for myself, I really don't care much for my well being, but she insisted I quit and to do it for her. We want to be togeather and it seems my drug problem will get in the way of that, so it had to go. So now I work towards meeting her, perhaps I will find my happiness after all.
I almost owe her my life, the least I could do for her is be myself again :D
This is my first real post about my life in this blog, usually im going on about deep subjects, but what I realized is I should be talking about things that matter to me directly. I can talk all about altruism and schizophrenia and all kind of thick subjects, but if I can't even control my mind or my own life, I am in no position to preach.
So this is the beginning of a more personal blog, this is for you babe ;)
I'll always be there for you Stephanie, I am forever in your dept. I have helped you through a few things but you have helped me much more. I believe thats what its all about helping each other back n forth.
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