I'm slowly sinking into darkness I think. No one wants to admit their evil, usually it's a matter of people always thinking what they do is right by moral standards, even if its an evil deed and nor moral it can be justified with twisted logic.
I'm at the point in my life where I know what good and evil is, or at least I have a fair concept of it, but knowing what they are does not change the fact that many evil deeds are very favorable to good deeds. For one an evil deed gets attention, might not be good attention but attention none the less. Now also a lot of evil deeds can be beneficial material wise, but at the same time can be morally degrading.
An example is drug dealing, if the dealer isn't brain dead he will know that drugs provide temporary solutions to ones problem, but in the end it cases more then it cures. As the drug dealer learns this more and more I'm willing to bet that a little part of him dies day by day. But that dealer will have money at the end of a day, so in a sense he is replacing money with happiness. But in comparison someone working on solar technology and feels he or she is doing a great part in helping humanity will ultimately reach a state of happiness. Some jobs don't provide the same income as pushing smack though, so there will always be people willing to do it.
Another example is a businessman. I Business man can sell a product he or she really doesn't believe in merely for profit, while an honest moral business man wont even buy something that isn't good just because he or she is proud of the quality of their products.
Sometimes you have to decide though...
If you could cure cancer, but to do that you would have to kill 1 000 innocent people, would you do it? logically 1000 people to save millions each year seems like a simple answer, but on a moral level killing anyone is bad, especially innocent people.
So it makes me wonder, does the end justify the means?
Can one bad deed bring forth a torrent of good deeds?
I believe it does... does that make me evil?
Does me thinking this world is contaminated with filth make me a bad person?...
Am I even in a position to judge...?
I want control of my my life, and once I'm done getting that I'm going fix this sick twisted world around me, I will find a solution to every problem. I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my family and friends, to ease their suffering... but first I must help myself...
This World is rotten, I'm so sick of it, it infects me every day and I fight it off continually. but a wise old man said "be the change you want to see in the world" and its true, I need to be on top of my game to help others get to the top too. So its a learning experience that needs to happen.
Dr Horrible - It's a Brand New Day
Michael, you are not evil. The fact that you are thoughtful, intelligent and reflective just goes to prove that. Yes, you may get overly negative, but you've had to deal with some pretty negative things and situations, especially mental illness, drug addiction and poverty. It's the people who unthinkingly make immoral choices who are closer to what I'd call evil. You, though, are a thinking man. And a sensitive man too. I'm really glad you are posting again. I think you have a good mind and are a good writer; you have worthwhile things to say to people. You are also an honest person, at least here in this blog, and that takes courage and a certain amount of discipline. I respect that about you.
ReplyDeleteAlso drug addiction and the culture that surrounds it is incredibly hard to beat even for a very strong person. I'm pretty sure that if I had ever gotten addicted to anything harder than cigarettes (which I still struggle with) I would most likely be dead. But you are alive and vital and I think you should give yourself a break. You have more strength in you than you know and I, for one, think you can come out of the darkness and enter into the light so to speak. I am very glad that you have Stephanie. Try not to isolate yourself from people who are either coming out of the darkness or out of the darkness, from people who are drawn to health over illness.
I was struck by your honesty and intelligence months ago. I'd like to become a Facebook friend if that's okay. I use Facebook erratically, but it would be good to keep in touch.
Kate : )
Thank you for your kind words Kate, I always appreciate your comments, I added you to facebook :).
ReplyDeleteAs for addiction, yeah it's alot harder then one thinks.
I think to get out of this rut I am going to have to step back and take a break from this reality of mine, maybe talk to ppl n get new perspective, help them out and help myself at the same time.
You're very welcome Michael and thanks for adding me as a facebook friend.
ReplyDeleteAddiction is a bitch, no doubt about it. It's like your drug(s) of choice burns a certain behavioral pattern in you that is just so hard to break out of because of the physical addiction hook, but it is possible day by day, night by night to redirect that behavioral pattern. Doing good for yourself and others is strong medicine. You have the capacity to help people, to use what you've learned to teach people and then to re-teach yourself. Good luck to you!
Kate