But deep down inside, I've become increasingly numb, or rather emotionless. I didn't think it was possible to be so void of emotions. Recently I've endured some trials and tribulations where my mind was tested to the max and I've found out that regardless of how intense the situation was, my emotions did not fluctuate more then 5% or so. But I did notice that my heart rate increases but my face remained expressionless and my attitude was chill like a cucomber.
I'd like to think that perhaps im experiencing some sort of enlightenment, but I think thats just wishful thinking. It's an odd feeling, the only thing that scares me is that nothing scares me, but then again nothing brings me joy or happiness, I'd imagine this is what limbo is like, not really bad, but not really good either. I spent most my life trying to calm the waters like most Buddhists do, but now they feel too calm, it's very alien to me.
I just feel like I should be feeling something, anything.
I remember a song saying "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all", and that seems to ring true to my situation. I feel so dead on the inside, but try to look so very alive on the outside, no one seems to even notice.
Like a candle without a flame.
I truely need to find fire before its too late.
But on the plus side, my symptoms have almost 100% disappeared, I feel more stable then ever before. I removed myself from my hometown and it has made all the difference to my mind. I'm absorbing information better and more fluently then ever before.
I got a new job at a tech support call center that deals with web hosting companies and its rather refreshing, very relaxed, professional atmosphere that has increased my confidence 50-70%, income security is a major factor that made my life bearable. Although im still dependant on other people my goal is have everyone dependent on me. For a good 5 years I haven't really been truly standing up, insanity knocked me to the ground and only now am I starting to get back up. I would have stood up sooner if I didn't spend the whole time helping other people up during the process. But I have no regrets, I think slow healing is more beneficial then quick sudden healing, all good things come with time.
When my financial situation become stable I can start to work up to investing in areas where I feel will be good. It's uber frustrating when you have all the ideas in the world but not the resources to accomplish them. But I feel so close to something big, something that I shouldn't know about until it comes to me. Something great is going to happen, after 1-3 years of suffering karma is starting to pay up.
I suffered an eternity several times for my wicked ways in the past, now I am on the positive receiving end and I must learn from my past and walk the path of grayness and light rather then grayness and dark. There is a fine line between good and evil, and being right in the middle, one is very influenced by both sides; standing on a fence and keeping the balance is a task that would wear down even the best of minds.
"Gimme sympathy, After all of this is gone, Who'd you rather be? The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?" - Metric
Hi Michael,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment.
I'm glad you are continuing to write in this blog. I think it is a good thing. My perspective is that writing with the hopes that others will read what you write requires the discipline of both being honest and reaching out. Both qualities are essential to healing ourselves from the dark places we've been to.
Your emotional numbness is normal for now. I've been there too. The fact is that having one or multiple psychotic breakdowns is traumatic. People respond to trauma in different ways. I got numb, but now, years later, I'm beginning to thaw out. It sucks, but it does takes years, not months, to heal. If you hang in there, you will heal too. I really believe that. You have intelligence and awareness. You can see the down side, but you're also aware of the up side, too. That's half the battle. I'm definitely glad that your move has had a positive effect on your life and that you've found some good work. Well done!
As you put it so well, "I think slow healing is more beneficial than quick sudden healing, all good things come with time." That's a philosophy to live by. Keep on keeping on...
Kate