I've been living a very repeatitive lifestyle lately and it seemed to be dragging me down, it's hard on the soul when the same thing day after day happens. I could not take it anymore so one Sunday I was convinced to move 4 hours away from my home town, I knew a few people here and I was epicly bored and drained from the drama and lack of living in my home town. So Sunday night I decided, Monday morning I baught my ticket, Tuesday I packed my stuff, Wednesday I was on the bus on my way to a whole new world. Moving from a city of less then 10 000 to a town that was over 10 times that size was a big step, the bus system seemed stressful and weird and nothing was famillier. I loved it, lost is what I was, but I'd rather be lost in a new place then be lost in small town like my hometown.
It was all so sudden but I loved it, I learned a many things just in this first week or so, and I seen a fair amount of people that I knew from my home town here, I guess its a small world after all. I fell into my old classic habit of smoking marijuana but I think thats an improvement from the other bad things I did in my home town. On top of that I don't even smoke a portion of what I use to, so I see it as a step up.
I started thinking about my illness lately and although I never said this before, I feel I'm almost 100% back to normal, I never made this much progress in the past, it only took me 5 years I guess. I often wonder what the whole reason for going crazy was, at first I thought it was some sort of punishment even though doctors claimed it was a genetic and psychological malfunction of my mind. I'm starting to realize that it was not a punishment at all, I feel it was a lesson that I needed to learn. Before I had my episode I was motivated and had all the passion and willpower that I would ever need, but I had no connections, or resources to perfprm my mission (yes I felt I had a purpose) but oddly enough its the opposite now, I have all the resources and connections but now I have no passion.
I can say I have balanced my mind, I feel almost perfectly balanced, but I lost my passion for life, my purpose and desire for great things. I lack modivation and drive, its like the world is in black, white and gray but has no color to it, so its like a song that im listening to right now is saying "your black and white needs a little bit of red".
I need to find my passion, my desire, my drive. I need to have a reason to wake up. I got blue covored, but red is gone from my life, I need that red color to feel alive again. Balance is nice, but too much is just as bad as not enough.
Maybe I need a little love in my life, but on a plus side this town has 3 girls for every one guy, so I'm in the right place to find what need to be found.
Another thing thats been on my mind is I feel like im so very close to something, something really big and life transforming, but I'm not quite sure what it is, I think its almost better that way. If I knew what was going to happen, maybe it wouldn't happen the way it should have.
Sometimes its better to feel your so close to something better left unknown (also from a song).
I lived a life the last 5 years where I looked for signs to direct me in the right direction, almost relying on a guide, but now I feel im cut loose and the rest of the ride is riding on me. It's a new feeling to me. I feel asif im free... but don't want to be, it's so much easier to just feel asif something dictates whats going to happen in my life. The idea of freedom of choice is new to me, I always thought I had a pre-determined fate.
Even though im free, I think I need to focus on my same ole mission, I feel trapped by it, but its a form of captivity that I have grown acustom to. Perhaps I now have free will, but decided to go down the same path I feel trapped on. It's all I know...
My mission is complex yet simple, I want to endure the burden of life for everyone around me, I want to stand tall and hold the world on my shoulders for everyone around me. I wan't noone to suffer except me. A noble cause in my mind it is, but I feel I can not find anything else I want for myself. Some people tell me I should find my happiness, but I have come to learn that when people around me are happy, I am happy.
What to do, what to do, I guess I'll do what I always do, try to fix everything and maybe if im lucky I'll find a bit of happiness.
It was all so sudden but I loved it, I learned a many things just in this first week or so, and I seen a fair amount of people that I knew from my home town here, I guess its a small world after all. I fell into my old classic habit of smoking marijuana but I think thats an improvement from the other bad things I did in my home town. On top of that I don't even smoke a portion of what I use to, so I see it as a step up.
I started thinking about my illness lately and although I never said this before, I feel I'm almost 100% back to normal, I never made this much progress in the past, it only took me 5 years I guess. I often wonder what the whole reason for going crazy was, at first I thought it was some sort of punishment even though doctors claimed it was a genetic and psychological malfunction of my mind. I'm starting to realize that it was not a punishment at all, I feel it was a lesson that I needed to learn. Before I had my episode I was motivated and had all the passion and willpower that I would ever need, but I had no connections, or resources to perfprm my mission (yes I felt I had a purpose) but oddly enough its the opposite now, I have all the resources and connections but now I have no passion.
I can say I have balanced my mind, I feel almost perfectly balanced, but I lost my passion for life, my purpose and desire for great things. I lack modivation and drive, its like the world is in black, white and gray but has no color to it, so its like a song that im listening to right now is saying "your black and white needs a little bit of red".
I need to find my passion, my desire, my drive. I need to have a reason to wake up. I got blue covored, but red is gone from my life, I need that red color to feel alive again. Balance is nice, but too much is just as bad as not enough.
Maybe I need a little love in my life, but on a plus side this town has 3 girls for every one guy, so I'm in the right place to find what need to be found.
Another thing thats been on my mind is I feel like im so very close to something, something really big and life transforming, but I'm not quite sure what it is, I think its almost better that way. If I knew what was going to happen, maybe it wouldn't happen the way it should have.
Sometimes its better to feel your so close to something better left unknown (also from a song).
I lived a life the last 5 years where I looked for signs to direct me in the right direction, almost relying on a guide, but now I feel im cut loose and the rest of the ride is riding on me. It's a new feeling to me. I feel asif im free... but don't want to be, it's so much easier to just feel asif something dictates whats going to happen in my life. The idea of freedom of choice is new to me, I always thought I had a pre-determined fate.
Even though im free, I think I need to focus on my same ole mission, I feel trapped by it, but its a form of captivity that I have grown acustom to. Perhaps I now have free will, but decided to go down the same path I feel trapped on. It's all I know...
My mission is complex yet simple, I want to endure the burden of life for everyone around me, I want to stand tall and hold the world on my shoulders for everyone around me. I wan't noone to suffer except me. A noble cause in my mind it is, but I feel I can not find anything else I want for myself. Some people tell me I should find my happiness, but I have come to learn that when people around me are happy, I am happy.
What to do, what to do, I guess I'll do what I always do, try to fix everything and maybe if im lucky I'll find a bit of happiness.
That was brave of you to pick up and leave your home town and move to a bigger city. Sometimes a big change like that can jumpstart you in a good direction. May it be so. I really think you'll get that motivating red back in your life again, just try to be patient. I used to look for signs too in my sicker days, but that's a tricky business because it relies on making all kinds of assumptions, often wrong ones. Better to decide for yourself. Best of luck Michael!
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